Toxic.

The older I've become the more I've thought about the people and friendships I have had throughout my life. Some friends have made it, some have not. Some people I know genuinely want the best for me and would support me in whatever I decided to do, and some..well they simply wouldn't. These people might act friendly and supportive to your face, but once you turn around the reality is different. These people can be described as toxic, and I thought I'd write down a few signs how to recognise a potentially toxic person in your life. The word 'toxic' literally means 'poisonous', which is what these kind of people can be in the worst case.

1) They are selfish. 

Toxic person will only think about their own feelings, their own emotions and their own reactions to things. They like to talk about themselves, highlighting their own achievements, their own feelings and their own life situations, while understating yours. They might ask you "how are you doing?" only to get the conversation started and while you are telling about your recent tricky work situation, they will remember a story from 5 years ago when they went through something similar. 

2) They need to be right. 

Having an argument with a toxic person is a battle that you will lose, regardless who is actually right or wrong. It is pretty much impossible for them to admit that they are wrong and they will argue their point across until you will just give up and let it go. They can't handle criticism well and get easy upset if you point out something that is not correct in what they are doing. 

3) There's always some sort of  drama in their life. 

Whether their purse got stolen on a night out, they got food poisoning on the day of a big exam or their boyfriend broke up with them for the fifth time this month, there is always something. They seem to be the unluckiest people on the planet and they make sure everyone hears about their dramatic life turns and gives them sympathy. They thrive on drama and the reactions they get from people while telling their dramatic stories and the attention they receive for it. 

4) They lie. 

This one is simple. Whether the lies are big or small, toxic people lie. They lie either to get attention, to get away from an uncomfortable situation or just to hurt people around them. 

5) They are too eager. 

This one will work in relationships, friendships or even in business partnership. They're too keen on achieving something, they're too excited about you and are putting too much pressure on the people around them. Relationships and friendships take time to build and too much eagerness will not help.

6) They're always the victim.

 No matter what is it, it is not their fault. If they were late for work, it is because their wife forgot to set their alarm clock. If they got a lot of questions wrong in their exam, it is because the professor didn't explain that matter in a simple way. While most people do this at least sometimes and it is pretty normal, for toxic people it becomes a pattern that just repeats itself through everything.

7) They don't have anything nice to say about other people. 

Let's face it, everyone b*tches about others sometimes, there's no denial about that. While a normal person might point out one or two negative things about someone else, they will also find positive sides from the same person. For toxic people, not so much. For them it's much easier to put a person down and list bad features about them, without shame. These people also act friendly to your face, but once you turn your back their opinion changes.

8) They don't let go. 

If something goes wrong for them, they'll dwell on it for days and days. They'll always find a way to bring the topic back to the same old situation where they were treated wrong. Some things are meant to be put in the past and left behind, well most things eventually, but not for toxic people. They will remember how 3 years ago you called them by a bad name in a heated conversation, even though you apologised for it on the same day.

9) They avoid things and are evasive. 

Ask a serious question from a toxic person and they will beat around bush until you've got so confused with their answer that you forgot about the question in the first place. They will do whatever they can in their might to avoid being confronted about something and giving direct answers. Usually the answer, if you end up getting one from them, ends up being a lie that they scraped together in their head while babbling on about unnecessary things in order to avoid having to tell the truth.

After reading all these, you can't help but think of how do you deal with this kind of toxic person in your life then? Simplest answer would probably be just get rid of them, but unfortunately it doesn't always work like that, sometimes you just are stuck with a person, whether it is family, partner, or a co worker. There are few things you can do, in order to support yourself and not letting a toxic person take control of you.

 

• You need to know your boundaries and stick to them - don't let a toxic person make you do or say things you don't feel comfortable doing or saying. 

• Keep records of anything that is decided with this type of person - this mostly goes for the working world, for business partners and co workers, or clients. 

• Be polite and honest. Even if the person you're dealing with might not be either one of these, don't let yourself fall down to their level, but instead be the bigger person so they can't have anything against you. 

• Watch what you tell them. Secrets, personal matters, confidential topics.. If you don't want them to be able to use something against you or you don't want the whole neighbourhood to know about, don't confide in a toxic person.

• Don't always be the shoulder to cry on, or the garbage can where they pour all their sh*t into. Negativity is contagious. If you only listen to the negative stories from their life and the bad stuff, you'll soon start thinking that way yourself and finding positive sides of your own life becomes increasingly more difficult.

• Be firm and stand your ground. If you know you are right, don't let them make you think anything else of it. Don't let them manipulate you and change the way you truly are. This is the hardest one of all of these, in my opinion, especially in a relationship. You have to know who you are and not them affect your own personality.

All these points that I mentioned are just a drop in the ocean in the lives of toxic people, but it is somewhere to start at least if you feel like you're dealing with someone who is not 100% good for you. Life is too short to be suffering because of someone else, especially if you have tried to address it more than once and they didn't take any notes from that. I'm not telling you to necessarily get rid of these type of people in your life, but once you recognise some of these features you might want to help them to notice it themselves too and encourage them to make a change. Whether it works or not, that's a completely different matter.

At the end of the day, if you cut them off it is because they handed you the scissors.

L.O.V.E.

How do you define love? There are so many different kind of loves, but I'm now talking about the romantic type of love. The one you feel for your husband, your wife, your partner, your soulmate. 

If you search on Google for the "definition of love" you get "an intense feeling of deep affection", "a person or a thing that one loves" and " feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone". These are all pretty accurate descriptions of the word but what does love really consist of? What makes love genuine? How do you know you love someone, and not just 'like very much'?

I've been thinking about questions like this lately( as if I haven't had enough on my mind already with equations and radicals from my algebra class, or things such as thesis, ethos and pathos from my English 101 class..) For some people love happens more than once in their life and they believe each one of these loves has been "the one"; then there are people like me who have only been in love once in their life and are really and truly hoping for that one to last till they're old and grey. 

But how do you know when you actually love someone? Not just like them, or lust for them? Love and lust often go hand in hand and it can be hard to tell the difference between them. I think it is love when you're not only attracted to someone physically and don't long after them only because of their physical presence, but also because you worry for them, you wonder if they had anything to eat today, if they got to their destination safely or you just want to hear their voice on the phone. Even if you don't see them for days, or for weeks, or in my case for months, they are the first person in your mind when you wake up and the last person you think about when you go to bed. You want to share your thoughts with them, you want to tell them even the smallest little events in your day and want to know silly things from their day, such as if they had water or maybe a soda to drink with their lunch. Love makes you silly, love makes you care about the smallest little details, love makes you seriously worry over anything that has to do with them - the rash on his chest or the bad dream that kept him awake last night. 

 

It is fairly easy to fall in love - some people it happens in an instant while some are more protective over their feelings and take longer to let their guard down. But how do you make love last? How do you keep that exciting, sparkling feeling of new love? When the so called honeymoon period ends and reality kicks in, it is some times easy to question your love for someone. When you're listening to someone's snoring night after night, arguing over the smallest of things and repeating yourself like a nagging mother when all you want is a little piece of the romance, attention and excitement that you had in the past. That is when the authenticity of your love and feelings are truly tested. There come times when you just feel like giving up, letting it all go and going your separate ways. There's no denial in the fact that everyone gets these feelings but the important part is when you know how to deal with them. You don't go into despair and curse the whole relationship out, you don't go to your best friend and swear by leaving him right there and now (when she knows that tomorrow you'll be calling him the 'best boyfriend ever' again..) Those moments you have to stop and listen to your heart. Is it something that you can sort out? Is it something that even if it happens again, you can deal with it and not dwell on it for days and days. Is it something that isn't as strong as your love is?

In today's busy world it is easy to forget about showing your other half how much they mean to you. When the days are filled with work, studying, paying rent, paying bills, doing laundry and running errands it is easy to forget the perfect little moments that can mean so much in a relationship. Like how he commented on your nice looks in the morning when you're rushing out of the house, texting you in the middle of the day just to say he loves or misses you, covering you with a blanket when you fell asleep on the couch or squeezing your booty when you walk past him. Little acts of romance and affection are important, very important, no matter how old or new your relationship is. You should do regular date nights - it doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive, but just to show that you enjoy each other's company and want to do things with them. Every now and then you should go out of your way and treat them to something special. I saw a great idea on social media some time ago, when a couple did secret date nights to each other, taking turns every month. You only tell your partner date and time and maybe dress code, but that's it. You could take them on a big day out, like helicopter rides or touristy days out in the city; or you could book a nice couples' massage and go to a pizza place for dinner. Use your creativity, it is not about budget or how big your surprise is; it's about the mystery, the fact that you're making an effort for your loved one. 

Regardless the state of your love, or how old or new it is, if you are one of the lucky ones that have found someone to love and the person loves you back; you need to cherish it. Cherish it, protect it, fight for it, flaunt it, do everything in your power to make it last. Lot of people of our generation think of love as something disposable- if there's a little hiccup there, you let go of it and find something easier to replace it. While I'm not encouraging you to stay in a bad relationship and you need to think about your own happiness and security, I'm reminding you that true love is extremely to find and you should never waste it for something petty. It is a very worn out saying but it is very true - never lose a diamond while collecting stones.